Episode 4: Why do our children speak negatively about themselves?
In this episode of the ParentWhys podcast, Dr. B and Carrie introduce Christi and Bill, advise them in their parenting of Henry, and follow up with the family advised in the previous episode. After asking Christi and Bill to tell them about Henry, Dr. B and Carrie address the first concern that Henry’s parents have: his negative self-talk. Dr. B and Carrie agree that Henry’s behavior seems to be an expression of a display of inadequacy, along with an effort to avoid consequences; they counsel Bill and Christi to avoid feeding the behavior, persevere in giving consequences for bad behavior, and be transparent about occasions when they as parents make mistakes. Ultimately, their hope is to see change in his behavior and growth in his confidence.
Henry’s parents are also concerned about his bedtime routine, which has become a point of contention in the home. Dr. B and Carrie advise that Bill and Christi first deal with Henry’s activities before bedtime, telling him that there needs to be a change in evening routines (such as his use of a tablet or ability to play outside with friends) if Henry is unable to move from an enjoyable evening activity into his bedtime routine. Moreover, Dr. B and Carrie think that holding a family meeting to decide together on a bedtime routine and consequences when things go awry will be helpful, giving Henry a sense of responsibility and ownership, as well as making him aware of exactly what is expected and what consequences he will face for misbehavior.
Dr. B and Carrie then follow up with Matt and Hannah, the recently interviewed parents of Olive, Paxton, and Liam, and ask about their difficulties with Olive hitting, Paxton having meltdowns, and Paxton and Liam fighting. Remarkably, Matt and Hannah have resolved Olive’s problem by breaking the connection between her hitting behavior and desired reaction; now, she pursues closeness with her parents in more productive ways. Paxton’s behavior has also improved as his parents have taken him seriously while also showing him that his dramatic behavior only fits with truly dramatic events. Liam and Paxton are still having difficulties, but Dr. B and Carrie advise Matt and Hannah to allow the boys to work out their issues in safe ways.
Matt and Hannah, the Dr. B and Carrie note, are in some sense an abnormal success story. Their family is already doing much better, though oftentimes advice must be followed on more of a trial-and-error basis. Every child is different and advice must be tailored to different children. Dr. B and Carrie know that parenting is one of the hardest jobs people will face; there are not always easy solutions to parenting questions, but the hosts continue to instill confidence in listeners that answers can be found and parenting can be done well.
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