Episode 5: Why is my child so flippin' sassy??
Episode: Episode 5 – Why is My Child So Flippin’ Sassy??
In this episode of the ParentWhys podcast, Dr. B and Carrie have a conversation with Carrie’s friends Kelly and Zarani (called Z for short), who are parents to four-year-old Nora. Their first concern with Nora is not grounded in her own behavior. Z and Kelly are an ethnically-mixed couple, so Nora is an ethnically-mixed child. Z first notes the challenge that this presents when he discusses the pressure he feels to not have his child be “the misbehaving black kid.” Further, he talks about the strange tokenism he has observed that leads many people to have a strange and even obsessive interest in ethnically mixed children and to make a lot of comments about Nora’s beauty. To Z, this sort of praise raises the concern that Nora would become full of herself. To Dr. B and Carrie, though, a different danger is present: that of a misplaced sense of self-worth. Carrie and Dr. B counsel Kelly and Z to help Nora to see that her value is not rooted in mere beauty, but in other things. Rather than trying to keep her from being proud, they should direct their efforts to making sure her sense of worth is not only skin deep.
Next, Dr. B and Carrie talk with Kelly and Z about other central difficulties they face with Nora, namely, her sass and displays of inadequacy. Currently, Kelly and Z respond to sass by verbally checking the behavior, giving times outs, and taking things away from Nora. However, Carrie and Dr. B clarify, Nora’s sassy behavior is a power play, and taking things away will only work for so long. They recommend that the parents instead become quiet and talk with one another when Nora is sassy, telling her that they don’t hear her when she speaks in that way, and later checking back with her to see if there was something she wanted to (appropriately) say.
Regarding Nora’s displays of inadequacy, which take the form of her doing a poor job with work she knows full well how to complete, the hosts urge the parents to not engage with the display, and to be encouraging to Nora. This advice flies in the face of some contemporary parenting models that call parents to never withdraw from their children, but Carrie and Dr. B find this ban on withdrawal to be unhelpful. It presses parents to validate children even in inappropriate responses, when children’s responses need to be guided. It is okay for parents to withdraw from kids in appropriate ways in order to shape the behaviors they adopt in response to their feelings. This sort of parenting will help children to work through emotions in productive and healthy ways, and help to correct the phenomenon that Carrie and Dr. B have observed of many people today feeling entitled to freak out whenever they want. While people can of course feel badly at any time, Carrie and Dr. B clarify, certain actions in response to negative feelings should not be considered acceptable.
Finally, Carrie and Dr. B reconnect with Christi, who along with husband Bill had recently been interviewed about trouble with their son’s bedtime routine and negative self-talk. Things have been slowly improving for the family as a timer and limited electronics use have made bedtime easier, and as following through on consequences has helped to shape little Henry’s behavior. Carrie and Dr. B caution Christi to make sure that consequences logically follow from poor behavior and are not all focused on electronics, and encourage her to teach Henry in times of negative behavior about why he is having trouble and how to solve it. Already Henry is working on gaining better control of his anger and owning mistakes, and while progress with his negative self-talk depends on the day, Carrie and Dr. B are confident that Bill and Christi can continue to help him understand and improve his behavior. At the end of their time with Christi, they mention that group meetings could be a helpful tool for improving Henry’s social behavior.
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