Episode 6: Why won't my child try anything new?
Episode: ParentWhys - 6 - Why Won't My Kid Try Anything New
This episode of the ParentWhys podcast consists of two interviews. The first one is with Lindsay and Brad and their daughter Este, followed by the continuation of episode five with Kelly, Z, and Nora. Este is their only child and is prone to emotional meltdowns when she does not get what she wants. Dr. B explains that children without brothers and sisters, such as Este, typically develop high self-esteem since they lack the customary competition for attention, and are getting a lot of positive feedback reserved just for them. But sometimes this translates into a child prone to temper tantrums when they don’t get what they want, especially when the child is convinced that her or his behavior has an effect on her or his parents. Dr. B suggests that when your child has a meltdown you can show them that their feelings are fine, but their behavior is not a way to get results – so you are giving them permission to feel anyhow, but you don’t approve of the conduct itself. This is one of the best methods to help them transfer from a place of hysteria to a place of calm.
Another issue Brad and Lindsay have is Este’s refusal to try new things (even though she usually likes the activities after she tries them eventually.) The main reason for this is because Este
feels embarrassed when finding herself in an unknown situation where she can make mistakes. As a remedy, Dr. B suggest to Brad and Lindsay to intentionally show their daughter that making mistakes is not embarrassing and terrible. Instead, they should show that it is OK to make mistakes, and everyone does them – even parents! What needs to be done is for them to work on doing better next time, not beating themselves up. To err is to be a normal human being, and to work on fixing one’s mistakes is to be virtuous. You want your children to get good at failing until they succeed.
The second part of the episode is dedicated to the follow up of the previous episode. The problem Kelly and Z have with Nora was sassiness. Sometimes we get involved in a power contest with our children because they challenge us and refuse to cooperate. The best way to win such a contest is to refuse to play. As Z notes, if you are arguing with a 4-year old, you already lost. If you are reacting emotionally, that will signal your child the buttons he or she can use to try to get you do something, or simply participate in a needless emotional drama.
We should try not to overwhelm our children with structure and activities. Besides taking away from their freedom to play and explore the world, we are setting them up to repeatedly fail because of the overwhelming things to do, and develop a sense of personal inadequacy. Their lives will never be as simple as they have it when young, and there’s no real need to needlessly rush them to adulthood and stress. It’s best to achieve a balance between stress and coziness, growth and relaxation.
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